Life doesn't Suck, Vampires do.

2009-05-18T22:56:00.001+08:00

Hello all.

HERRO ALL.

HELLO ALL!

How have you been?
Time flies!

Gotten used to double-spacing after full-stops!
Tall blue buildings!
Inspiration killers!
Hide-and-seek!

Gotten zany! p X X q
Excited! p - - q

Peaceful! -_-

Life filled with love!
thank You!

2008-10-12T00:33:00.003+08:00

我怀念的

我问为什么那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么不解释低着头沉默
我该相信你很爱我不愿意敷衍我
还是明白你已不想挽回什么

想问为什么我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕真相太赤裸裸狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后还是想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空最紧的右手最暖的胸口
谁记得
谁忘了

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动求我原谅抱得我都痛
我记得你在背后也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌最美的烟火最长的相拥
谁爱得太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺

谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔

我怀念的我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空最紧的右手最暖的胸口

我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得

太爱了
所以我没有哭没有说

2008-08-25T22:07:00.001+08:00

Good company, great day, perfect view.
Still it had been unusual without you
How did the happy scene bring tears to my eyes?
Did not the fireworks which roared to the skies
Bring joy for once into my life?

I held the camera loosely in my hands
The landscape too wide for its little lens
I moved and aimed where the fireworks went
Like the way i loved you till i was spent

As the fireworks soar, the crowd cheers
Did it matter at all - the forlon figure's tears
Minute as they are, helpless as they could be

I'm standing so far away
Hoping my love fades day by day

Someday, that day, awaits

2008-08-21T19:35:00.002+08:00

HCS said today... we can dream all the dreams we want, but if we are unwilling to change, then perhaps the dreams can continue.

THY said today... there's no such thing about whether we can change.. it's really a matter of whether we want to or not. A heavy smoker from the age of 9... 2 packs a day... promised openly to his friends 25 years ago he wanted to drop the habit. And he dropped it. He felt uncomfortable at first, and just 2 months later he lighted up a cigarette in the toilet, only to throw it into the toilet bowl with disgust - at the thought of 2 wasted months if he took a puff. He hasn't looked back since. He's 60 plus now.

2008-08-07T22:43:00.005+08:00

It's so tough to write again.
But no one would find me here.
(So many thoughts coursing through my brain)
(So many impulses to act on but cannot)
(So much anger i feel but can't direct)
(So much hate i need to feel yet have no strength to)
(So much bitterness i say no to but feel everyday)
(So much disappointment i don't want to get from you but you throw it all at me)
(So much love i gave you but you threw it all away)

Love's not a feeling.
Love's a decision.
You drag things and let things drag. Drift along until something happens.
Then you let go of what's old in your life.
You latch on to what's new.
I'm different.
I'm foolish.
I cling on to what's old.
I clung on to you.
I made a decision to love you, and i did.
Doesn't matter i hated you much of the time. Love was a conscious effort to be committed to you.
I love you.
I loved you.

No more.

KP

2008-06-10T23:19:00.000+08:00

I'm facing the greatest dilemma ever. I wish you could be here.

Tell us where to find the below

2008-04-10T19:16:00.003+08:00

I'm pasting the lyrics of the song below for two reasons; 1) The simple lyrics are beautiful, and they mean more to me than any other song at this moment in time, and 2) My friend is looking for this song, and now so am i, so if anyone know where we can get it, please let me know.

ME AND THE ELEPHANT
I remember the day we had nothin' to do
So we went down to the City Zoo
Just to kill an hour or two
Out in the good sunshine

But we had so much fun, we were glad that we came
We fed all the animals and gave each a name
An' didn't even mind when it started to rain
We had a real good time

But now that it's over and you're far away
I miss you more with each passing day
And all my friends sympathise and say
"He'll forget in time,
Yes you will, give yourself a little more time"

But it's already been well over a year
And just in case you're interested you might like to hear
How everybody's doing down at the City Zoo
Without you

Well the monkeys forgot ya and the hippo forgot ya
And so did the kangaroo
But me and the elephant, we still remember you
Me and the elephant, we'll never forget you

Well I wrote to Ann Landers and Dear Abby too
And sought their advice as to what I should do
And they said everything that reminds me of you
Would all have to go

So I burned all your pictures, except two or three
The one by my bed and one on my TV
And the one that I always carry with me
Everywhere I go

Now today was so nice and since I was in town
I thought I'd take the opportunity to go down
And see how everyone is down at the City Zoo
And what's new

Well the rhino forgot ya an' the zebra forgot ya
The polar bear and tiger too
But me and the elephant, we still remember you
Me and the elephant, we'll never forget you

Shelter - Corrinne May

2008-03-14T17:15:00.004+08:00

What's wrong, what's getting you down
Is it something I might have said?
You're walking around with your head to the ground
and your eyes are watery red

I know you've been through tough times
Kicked around, thrown to the ground
but you've always been the strong one
So don't tell me that nobody gets you
'cause I'm standing in your corner
Knocking at the door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

We share a bond
You and I we belong
We're like coffee and morning trains
You strip my defenses
I catch your pretenses
The same blood runs through our veins
I swore I'd be your lifeline
Made a vow that I'd surround you with love at every milestone
I'll listen when nobody gets you
I'm still standing in your corner
Waiting by your door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

It was not too long ago
You sought to understand
You helped me mend
Remember when
So promise me you'll

Call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

2008-03-14T00:36:00.003+08:00

不問你為何流眼淚
不在乎你心裡還有誰
請讓我給你安慰
不論結局是喜是悲
走過千山萬水
在我心裡你永遠是那麼美

既然愛了就不後悔（就無怨無悔）
再多的苦我也願意背
我的愛如潮水愛如潮水將我向你推
緊緊跟隨愛如潮水它將你我包圍

我再也不願見你在深夜裡買醉
不願別的男人見識你的撫媚
你該知道這樣會讓我心碎
答應我你從此不在深夜裡徘徊
不要輕易嘗試放縱的滋味

你可知道這樣會讓我心碎

2008-02-25T00:27:00.006+08:00

Maybe you are feeling down, and maybe you feel like you will lose mental control if you stay in your shadowy room a minute longer. Maybe you feel that you are losing the battle and you won’t be able to stop those first tears from falling down again. How about getting out of the house? Maybe you feel you will feel out of place walking amongst strangers aimlessly in a crowded mall. Maybe you feel that all that results in are feelings of pity for yourself. How about looking for someplace to sit down? Not in a crowded mall, not in a lonely park. A crowded mall makes u feel fucked up because you’re alone and everyone else isn’t. A lonely park makes you feel fucked up and defeats the purpose and makes you feel sorry for yourself as you see people there gratuitously enjoying themselves while you’re trying to seek solace. No malls, no lonely parks. Go somewhere where people are expected to wait. Go to the fucking airport. Go to a bus-stop. Those places, people are expected to be waiting. You won’t look out of place there. And so many people will be waiting with you, alone as well. Watching the planes come and go or watching the buses come and go, you may get back a sense of control of your life – you decide if and when you want to board a bus. A bus of your choice. And you may even simply walk away – when no one is looking.

2008-02-14T16:57:00.004+08:00

Dear Momma,

How have you been? I have not written to you in a long time. How is Dad? How are his petunias? I am doing okay. I am taking things well.

Momma, when I was feeling upset in the past I used to always think that that had to be the saddest moment of my life. I’ve grown up now Momma, now I understand not to think that way at all because God will eventually try to prove me wrong. Each time I thought “nothing could be worse than this”, or “I’m at rock bottom”, I discover new meanings of the words “shit” and “crap”. Momma, I’m growing up now, I’m sure you must be glad. Instead of dwelling in despair, now I grit my teeth and tell God to bring it on. I only hope He doesn’t get to you, or to anyone else I could love.

Speaking of the folks, Momma, remember Andy Barnes from across the street? Well he lives right down the corridor now. No, I didn’t mention him because he was one whom I loved. Remember how he were when we were 15? Remember what I said that he always hankered over? That fuckin’ loser. Well, he may be filthy rich now but now I understand it’s better to want something you can’t have than to have something you don’t want. I’ve grown up now Momma, I have.

I have to go do my laundry now Momma, my mates are waiting for me. It’s Valentine’s Day today, I reckon we’re all going to get sacked out in the bar again.

Love,
Tommy

"I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow,
but I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?

How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again."

Jon

2007-09-14T00:41:00.000+08:00

“Life is good,” Jon Mcdermott thought to himself, as he briskly made a left-turn at the end of the hallway. He felt good, on top of the world, confidence bristling about him like some saint with an aura.

So fast was he walking, he bumped heavily into a little blonde whom he didn’t immediately recognize. He looked down into her smiling face. She looked familiar. Sarah… or was it Samantha, Sapphire… whatever.

“You okay, pretty lady?” Jon cooed, brushed her little head, turned, and went quickly on his way. The disappointed freshman looked on at his departing figure.

Jon stopped at his locker. He reached beneath the mountain of textbooks and fished out his priceless treasure. Two months of summer holidays, two freaking part-time jobs, two hundred clams for each ticket to the Coldplay concert. “Just for the two of us,” Jon thought happily. And he imagined holding her hands and kissing her after that.

He closed his locker and went along on his way out of the school gates. He felt great. Nothing’s going to stop him today from sweeping Suzy off her feet.

Stone Soup

2007-06-03T01:36:00.000+08:00

2007-05-27T15:11:00.000+08:00

If dumb people don't know who they are, then how do you know you're not one of them?

If you disgree and your answer to dismiss the above goes along the lines of "that doesn't make sense because some dumb people do know they're dumb", well ... then this illustrates my previous point exactly.

What do you think?

Rememberance

2007-04-04T04:48:00.001+08:00

I remember getting excited about doing the project with her. It was barely the second week of school; I thought she resembled my favorite artiste, and I told her so. She said, “Is that right? Lester told me that too.” Or something to that effect.

I remember being intrigued by her. I hadn’t been able to put a finger on what kind of person she was. She could finish a two-page essay in a day. That told me she must either be a terribly efficient person, or that she must be terribly careless. For the record, she did very well for the essay.

I remember thinking how I much I envied her. We were all taking our driving tests then; I passed mine with six points. I rushed back to school by bus. She narrowly scraped through, and soon after she received a new car from her parents.

I remember thinking, “Eh sure or not?” when I heard about her qualifying for the Ms Singapore Universe Finals. She did not win it, but it did not matter.

My fascination with her ended soon after the term ended.

I recall being pleasantly surprised later when I got the chance to chat more with her. Contrary to all that I had “hypothesized” about her, she was the exact opposite of my expectations.

She loved the social sciences, like me. She avoided crowds, and preferred the comfort of home, again like me. She was candid and forthcoming. Everything about her felt real, and everything about her finally fell into place in my mind. I remember thinking to myself then that I felt like I’ve just made a friend.

But what I didn’t realize was that you took that next term off because you were ill. I only knew when I read your letter in the Straits Times. And even then I did not ask you, until months later.

I remember apologizing that I never got around to asking after you earlier, but you had me feeling much better about myself with your words. You had been so confident and optimistic; so much so that I had not a single doubt that you would be okay. Your trust, and your faith in the Lord had impressed me so.

The last I contacted you was when we were checking for our exam results; you asked me to update you when they were finally released. I excitedly sms-ed you the good news the moment they were. And I asked how you how your test results went. But you didn’t have good news. Still you sounded so… matter-of-factly, I was sure the cancer would go away. I didn’t know how or what to say. So I didn’t reply.

That was late last year. I briefly thought about you just last week, a few days before you passed on. I had wanted to ask you how you were, but I didn’t manage to ask that question in time.

To the bravest girl I have ever known: I know that God must be keeping you safe now. I pray that your unyielding courage and fighting spirit had inspired love, strength, and courage in those who had loved you so dearly. Edwina Victoria Tan, you will always be remembered fondly in our hearts.

Suzy.

2007-04-03T03:59:00.000+08:00

For Queenie.

“So here we can see from the chart that trust is comprised of three fundamental elements: predictability, dependability, and faith,” pointed Ms Grant at the screen. “And who can tell me more about each of them?”

Suzy's hand shot up quickly.
“Well, predictability serves to eliminate surprises especially in business environments where they are usually unwelcome,” pointed out Suzy from the front of the class. “And dependability provides assurance that one can be counted on to perform as expected.”

“And faith is the belief that one will continue to be predictable and dependable!” interjected a silky voice.

Suzy turned her head slowly to Jon and smiled.

“The need for trust arises when facing some kind of risk – and the perceived risk declines over time as trust develops,” he explained. “Over time that is, and based on experience,” he qualified. He looked over to Suzy and grinned.

Ms Grant beamed at her two favorite students. “That's right. In short, trust serves as a risk-reducing mechanism for all involved parties.” She stopped and looked up at her students.
And she thought, someday the both of them are definitely going to be somebody. Somebody really, really important.

And as if suddenly realizing her mind had wandered off, she added, almost bashfully, “Err, and class’s dismissed!”

The class streamed noisily out to the hallway. Jon McDermott walked up to Suzy in an exaggerated swagger, a shy grin etched at the corner of his lips.

“Hello my little princess,” he whispered in her ear. “How’s you doing?” He was missing her badly. He hadn’t gotten to see her at all over the weekend. He was missing her more than he could say. And he couldn’t help but ask, “Do you miss me, Suzy?”

And she replied, “Yeah. I’m doing good. The weekend has been busy.”
She looked into his face and gave him a quick smile. “And I miss you too.”
Jon grinned. “Same place after class?” he asked hopefully.
“Sure,” she said.
And she said bye.

Suzy walked down the hallways, books and files clutched firmly against her chest. She caught herself clenching her teeth. She hadn’t managed much sleep the previous night. She wondered how Tommy’s exam went. She wondered if he had went through her binder. She wondered if he had looked at chapter 4. She wondered if he had looked at her handwritten notes, especially the ones written below the algebraic formulae table.

“Fuck,” she thought, as she recalled for the thousandth time the intricate heart-crossed figures with Tommy’s and Suzy’s names in it.

2007-04-03T01:47:00.000+08:00

Vinny ... is officially down in the dumps. For those who think he is feeling sorry for himself, they're darn right. At this point, he does not feel capable of expressing what he feels. Not anymore. Not again. Like a scab torn to reveal an open wound, Vinny is down, down, down.

He is down. Down, down, down.

He is feeling darn, darn, darn sorry for himself. He is feeling damn, damn, damn bad. He is down in the dumps. Can't see anyway out of this. Again.

Again.

It always happens again. Again and again.

So help him Lord. Help him.

2007-02-20T04:55:00.001+08:00

I haven’t been here in a long time. Somehow the stories flow easier in my head when I am not trying to word them. Images in my head feel like frantic butterflies veering clear of butterfly nets.

Perhaps the past months feel like a dream I have not awoken fully from yet. My mind feels trapped in some weird consciousness of an alternate reality which hasn’t its place neither here nor now. Whenever the truth of the present hits hard I allow my mind to bring me away to someplace which I don’t belong.

I allow my mind to piece together dreams: dreams so beautiful that they cannot be anything but true. I allow my mind the luxury of belief; if only for the moment, at least I would be free.

There are dreams to be dreamed, as there are the stories which need to be told.

Yet stories will never die, and dreams never would suffice.

Tommy.

2006-10-11T20:19:00.000+08:00

Tommy grasped his hair in exasperation as he flipped his notes furiously. The clock was ticking fast.

“I’m never going to make it in time,” he thought. “Only 4 hours till the exam.”

He took out a stack of notes, crisp sheets of paper filed neatly in a binder. The name “Suzy” was penciled smartly at the top, happy pink drawings of flowers as decoration. The little hearts that accompanied the flowers caught his attention. He raised an eyebrow.
And then he wondered with disgust how the girl has her head in the clouds.

“Chapter 4, chapter 4,” mumbled Tommy. He frantically turned the pages. He froze in horror as he found the right one.

“…the fuck?”

He examined the scribbling, shaking his head slowly, like some imbecile.

And then Tommy fished out an eraser quickly.

Wedgie me three

2006-08-26T02:28:00.000+08:00

I like Bob the Dinosaur. I forgot what he stands for. I can only recall the wedgie part for now. I kinda think Insecurity can also be personified by Bob the Dinosaur. You see, when Insecurity isn’t there, it’s merely in hiding. Just like Bob. When it rears its head, it’s like Bob appearing from nowhere to give you a wedgie.

It’s easy to get addicted to Insecurity. It is also possible to get addicted to that addiction. Insecurity can act as some sort of a lifeline which you can depend on when everything else goes wrong but yet again. All you have to do is to first be paranoid about every little sign of trouble. When that happens you take your mind through a jigsaw trail to piece together the worst possible picture. Then you go amok. There, the ritual for the next bout is prepped.

Thus with Insecurity, you can blame all your problems on everything past but the present. With Insecurity, your disappointment will always be cushioned because inside some remote part of you you will always be anticipating that bad news to come.
With Insecurity, you will never have to look at yourself in the mirror again and swallow your own words.
With Insecurity, you will never have to trust again because you won’t find a way to somehow.

I just know I’m right because I think I could like wedgies.

2006-06-07T19:40:00.000+08:00

"Yikes, adulthood be gone!
Just read a blog entry with refreshing honesty. I think the coldest people are the invulnerable. cold because everything slides off them like teflon. you start to doubt if you're gonna stick, if you're gonna have an impact on them. and then after a while you give up.

And i think sometimes we aspire to be the invulnerable. we shrug off our sorrows, cloak the thorns jutting from our sides. in the world of the invulnerable, loneliness is a faithful companion.

That entry i read spoke of vainity as a result of insecurity. A common recurring theme i guess. but that honesty was like a scab needed for a wound to heal.

People need people. the happiest people are those that need people.
I think i must be the happiest then.

But then that makes me afraid that my people will leave on the next train driven by adulthood.

With haojie gone, i kinda miss meeting up with the guys.
With grace gone, i kinda miss meeting with the bunch.
With joey on the mission trip, i kinda miss dates.
With family busy, i kinda miss dinners.
With aldo at work, i kinda miss ditzy outings.
With everyone else somewhere else, i miss everyone.

I've got this clip of kelly strumming tears in heaven and anak. Everytime i listen to it it takes me out of wherever i am to some time quite long ago.

I've got this clip of joey acting dopey that i watch and that makes me happy. Joey makes me happy, thinks about how to make me happy and actually does it.

That's selfless love. I know she'll be annoyed that i'm mentioning kelly in this post, but i think with 4 years under our belt, kelly's an imprint in the sand, when the draft comes it'll all be gone."

____________________________________________________________

My good friend wrote that. I pasted it wholesale from his blog. I don’t think he would mind. Because I pasted it to say that I wish I can write like that and that I was very touched by this piece. His entries are always happy. Even the sad posts sound optimistic.

I wish I could write like Queenie too. I do not know how she makes her entries sound so neutral always. Even when they’re happy. Or scary. Or sad. That’s what makes her stories powerful.

My entries are more often than not dark and gloomy. Maybe that’s because I try too often to mask my feelings. Far too hard do I try to express myself in a contained way. Because too seldom do I willingly allow my emotions to run freely. I had made it a horrible practice to check every minor surge of emotion. I deny myself the right to be me. I don’t know who is Vinny anymore.

I’m not saying that I don’t show my anger, or that I don’t show my irritation easily. I just wish that I feel free to display them. Those of course do not exclude emotions on the positive side. I like myself for being contained and collected most times. But I do wish that I can also like myself for that which I am not.

I want to wish for so many things. But then again I don’t think I know if I even want what I’m wishing for anymore.

Hey?

2006-05-29T00:43:00.000+08:00

People compromise when they assume that the relationship in concern is relatively impermanent. Or more accurately, they tolerate.

Or we could say that perhaps people compromise because they assume the relationship in concern is going to be relatively permanent. So what if you take a step back and reexamine if this is true? If it isn't, would there be any need to get upset? No, because any problem wouldn't be long-lasting. Then no one will have to force their point of view, or dictate their personal preferences. Because there wouldn't be any basis to do so, since the relationship may only be transient. So which unconscious assumption guides your actions? That the relationship is permanent or otherwise? Is it right?

2006-05-05T00:56:00.000+08:00

Trust and faith in an organization, a system, or a person develops only when consistency is seen. This means that even if the organization pledges vehemently to improve work-life for her employees, the efficacy of these claims is made null if there are any counter policies which are un-understandable even in the larger context.

The dictionary describes consistency as correspondence among related aspects; compatibility. Faith is synonymous with confidence. Confidence develops only when events or actions support, or is in congruence with the expected end. You can be confident that the organization would look after your welfare only if their past actions have revealed so. You would not be so confident if the organization had often not practiced what they preached. A lack of consistency obviously would cause reduced faith from another.

Man are also by default inconsistent. This is due to the tension between the knowledge of doing the right thing and the appeal of doing what they desire. Assuming that everyone would like to be seen as consistent, the problem is exacerbated when people refuse to admit to themselves they are doing wrong. There are two levels to this. The first is that people want to like themselves. So they want to believe that they are doing right. Thus they continue doing wrong. The second is that they do not do right, and they end up not liking themselves very much. They lose the motivation to keep up with themselves, so they allow themselves to continue doing wrong.

So with inconsistent behavior of your own as well it could be difficult to imagine that you could ever place total confidence in another man. That is alright. Place your confidence in Him. If you don’t know why you should do that, go research Him first. Then tell me what you've found out.

Lost and Found (2)

2006-04-26T01:52:00.000+08:00

Goodbye. All that we had, all that we had went through together, all that once had belonged to us… they’re gone now. Forever.

It is so difficult to write this. I can’t focus on what happened. The sorrow fills me from the pit of my stomach and floods my chest. My chest tightens and releases a chilling sensation which rapidly spreads and reduces me to my knees. Stop. I’m rambling.

All those lies and half-truths.

All that we had shared.

You took them away with you.

With your lies and half-truths.

They’re now what we had shared.

Nothing more than lies and half-truths.

I didn’t think it was possible to feel as bad as this. I didn’t realize feeling like this was humanly possible. I didn’t know you could feel that your heart has a heart of its own. I didn’t know that you could feel that your heart understands sorrow. I didn’t know your heart could speak to you and tell you that’s all it can take.

I don’t think I know a fuck thing anymore.

MM

"He's haunted by the memory of a lost paradise
In his youth or a dream, he can't be precise
He's chained forever to a world that's departed
It's not enough, it's not enough"

Looks do matter (2)

2006-02-02T00:35:00.000+08:00

There is a different breed of people who are very attractive. These people are the kinds who appear to be unaware of their own attractiveness. They are the ones who do not seem to realize they are hot. A good counter-example would be the 6 pec-guy who posts a shirtless picture of himself on the personals. Or the really leggy girl who then dons an ultra mini-skirt to town. See? So stop saying Vinny-the-Great has weird taste. Stop saying Vinny-the-Great does not know the definition of attractive. Screw all of you.

:p

Let it go..

2006-01-31T13:17:00.001+08:00

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

E.E. Cummings

Tour of Duty

2006-01-25T21:59:00.000+08:00

Vinny-the-Great has been out of commission for a while. Apparently, he had not wanted to screw up his first post of 2006. He had not been posting, but he is still writing. And thinking.

More so than ever.

Just that he had not been thinking aloud. Just that blogging does not exclude societal censorship these days. Just like every situation else.

He thanks those few daily readers he sees who still are interested in what he has to say.

Huh?

2005-12-10T01:54:00.001+08:00

What do you live life for? Maybe you can tell by what you choose to do when you reach home. When you get home after a tiring day…what are your reflex actions? What do they show about you?

Are you waiting for someone interesting online to talk to you? Are you waiting to be enraptured by some exciting television program? Or do you not have anything in mind, just drifting along…not knowing what you want to do?

Or do you look forward to ending the day by writing in your journal, playing a game, reading a book, surfing endless blog entries, talking to a particular someone on the phone, cleaning up your messy desk, praying to God, or simply just packing your bag for the next day?

So what/who (the fuck) do you actually live for?

Looks do matter

2005-12-02T20:49:00.000+08:00

Looks do matter. But it’s only about context. It’s not about how good you look. It’s about what you look like. It’s about what is attractive to the other person. It’s about what appeals to the other person. It’s about what fits for them. It’s about the look they have been looking for. It’s about what makes their hearts suddenly freeze up. There can be no universal standard for that kind of good-looking. Otherwise we’ll all be dead after finishing a fashion magazine. There is truth when people spew the words “Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder”. Because there is a certain look which tugs tightly at the heartstrings of every individual. Not quite the same kind of good-looking we’re talking about here by which label only a simple majority can establish.

Looks matter. But remember, it’s not how good you look. You already do.

What??

2005-12-02T11:13:00.001+08:00

This is a post which should be removed in the very near future.

This is a post which attempts to satisfy my desire to announce to the whole world how I feel in a non-blatant way. (Yes, much like how many use MSN for)

This is a post which is intended to steer me away from unneeded thoughts and overwhelming frustration.

This is a post which screams out at the world and says GODDAMITSOMETIMESIJUSTHATEMYSELFWHYICANTIHAVEMORESELFCONTROL

This is a post which should be kept really short because tomorrow is the last important day to prepare for.

That is why this is also a post which is really important to deliver me from feeling what I am feeling now.

On a different note, this is also a post to thank whoever is bearing the brunt of my never-ending nonsense now. (Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou)

Now notice that the Thankyous are so much smaller and shorter than the self-seeking GODDAMITSOMETIMESIJUSTHATEMYSELFWHYICANTIHAVEMORESELFCONTROL.

Now it's obvious what this post is now for isn't it?

Lost and found (1)

2005-11-04T00:58:00.000+08:00

250605

What a terrible chain of gloomy letters.

It always comes down to you whenever I feel this way. And talking to you always makes me feel whole again. Lets me feel that there is meaning in this life again. Gives me strength to make sense of all the madness.

Yet it always feels like we’re standing on the opposites of a swirling merry-go-round which is never going to stop.

You remember those … words of wisdom?

“Don’t count your failures!” “Concentrate on your successes!” “Look ahead, don’t ever look back!”

We used to spend many an hour discussing them together. Arguing about why they worked. Going so deep into the intricacies.

But what we didn’t realize was, and what we couldn't see was, that that particular failure could be the one failure that had meant everything to the person.

But of course, if we look at things from another point of view, we can’t fail anything we don’t try. Or more specifically, when we couldn’t even begin to fail. Which means we fail to even fail.

Now... you tell me. Which is worse? To fail, or to not even get to fail?

Deranged,
MM

"I’ve been down the wrong road tonight
and i swear I’ll never go there again
I’ve seen this face once before
and I don’t think i can do this again"

haveipostedthisbefore

2005-10-28T02:19:00.000+08:00

You do not know the characters.

The ferret is that man's pet.

Read the strip again.

What is the first explanation that comes to mind for his shell shock?

Newsflash

2005-10-14T03:56:00.000+08:00

Information provided by vampire-hunting enthusiasts has revealed that Vinny the so-called Greatest Vampire has mysteriously disappeared from his coffin. Besides leaving behind a few broken and pathetic nails, certain vampire-slaying objects were found at the scene.

These items have given rise to speculation that “Vinny” had not deserted its resting place, but rather, had been somehow forced to vacate its lifelong abode.

The police are now seeking the owner of these items in a bid to accord him or her the proper respect deserved for finally ridding Mankind of the evil vampire.

It is understood that “Vinny” had just celebrated its birthday 2 weeks before, and that that was the last time it had been sighted by any townsfolk.

Despite being a feared creature of the night, “Vinny” had remained the most well featured character in many a rumor or story flitting around any tavern.

Townsfolk had spoke of the creature both with fascination and intrigue, and filling the air now is a weighty load of speculation with regards to “Vinny’s” real whereabouts.

It is understood that there has not been another better explanation to demystify its disappearance. The townsfolk however, refuse to accept such a conclusion.

Ironically, its disappearance has induced much more distress than rejoicing amongst the townsfolk.

"爱你多一点，了解你少一点
爱你少一点，了解你多一点"

Little Tommy (3)

2005-09-30T00:04:00.000+08:00

Little Tommy scampered up the staircase and flung himself onto his bed, bursts of excitement rising from his chest. He buried his head under his pillow and almost screamed aloud into his bed in exhilaration. He bounced himself up and down and thrashed his legs furiously.

“Tommmmyyyyyy!” cooed his mother from the living room downstairs. “Go clean yourself up first!”

But Little Tommy didn’t care. This was a good moment in his life. He had done it. He hadn’t expected himself to do it. He had even lasted a good 3 minutes on the bicycle.

“Tommmmmyyyyyyyy, what will you be doing tomorrow at this time?”

Now Little Tommy froze. This had caught his attention.

He turned his head to the clean slot marked “Tuesday” on his planner. He looked out the window at the field where he had spent the afternoon. He searched for that tiny slope which had cut short his time on the bike.

“Just how long more would I have lasted?”

“Tommy are you still there??” echoed the shrilly voice.

“Yes Ma, I’ll be busy tomorrow. With stuff!” replied Little Tommy.

He didn’t want to ever see a slope again.

"I tried really hard not to care at all
Medicate myself
Xanax, alcohol
My admissions made me feel so small
You can keep it all"

Little Tommy (2)

2005-09-27T18:13:00.000+08:00

The last time Little Tommy tried riding a bicycle, he fell over and rolled down a steep slope.

He ended up six days recovering in a hospital.

That was 5 years ago.

Today he is faced again with a rather difficult predicament. At least through his eyes.

“Go!” said his mother, with her stern-looking eyes. “Or you shall never learn how to ride a bike for the rest of your life!”

Little Tommy was in tears. He couldn’t help but picture himself at the bottom of that slope again with blood all over himself as he had blacked out.

“It’s different now! You’re now a big boy! You’re more agile, and you’re a talented sportsman in school! Why would you be afraid to even try? It’s no longer like before!”

Little Tommy nodded. Though he was not convinced. He just knew whatever had failed him back then still exists somehow. No matter how hard his mother tries to convince him otherwise.

Because he knew she did not know what had failed him. And because he knew she could not see what he had failed at.

But he also knew he had always been an irrational kid.

Gingerly, Little Tommy picked up the bicycle and treaded on the pedals lightly.

"我承認我最害怕天黑夢被掏空的錯覺
我已不再是你的誰想到就會心碎"

Cheesy Mee

2005-09-22T22:42:00.000+08:00

Myojo Mee for breakfast feels rushed and extended.
Myojo Mee for lunch feels bland and looks pale.
Myojo Mee for supper feels blissful and delicious.
Myojo Mee for dinner feels lonely... and lonely.

So sue me.

2005-09-17T02:39:00.000+08:00

Hey twin, that's you. Miss Filly.

Revisiting (1)

2005-09-13T21:17:00.000+08:00

The line “Without intense hate there could never be profound love”, has always stuck in my head. Okay, maybe the actual quote wasn’t that corny. I paraphrased it a little. I used to like comparing it to the other saying which goes, “It’s a thin line between love and hate”. And then I would imagine this straight line which has “love” and “hate” on each end, and which entire spectrum represents the emotional distance that the feeling has journeyed along.

For example,

-10(Hate)------------------------ 0 ---------------------- +10 (Love)

So if lets say this bloke gets pissed off at another person whom he doesn’t particularly care about, he starts from 0 on the scale. Because he doesn’t give a shit about him, the notch goes down a little to -1. There you go; the emotional distance traveled is only 1 unit.

Yet it does not work this way if one does not start from zero. Let’s say this person somewhat has the hots for this girl. He has a +4 liking on the scale. And then let’s say the girl does something to severely disgust him too. Instead of moving down only one unit like before, the notch goes down a bit more to perhaps, -4. And so we see, there has been an 8-unit shift down the scale.

It appears that the more extreme your score is on the spectrum, the more severe the shift, once comes the ultimatum.

But of course, one could debate that using the argument that, the harder you love somebody, the harder it is for that great shift to happen.

Well that is why the word “ultimatum” was used.

When I was young, I remember thinking that it goes both ways; that a deep love can be ruined to the point where intense hatred develops, and that an extreme hatred can also magically transform into deep passion.

But try as I might, I find it difficult now to even form those last 12 words from the previous sentence.

Now maybe that’s why they do not sound convincing.

Okay now I suddenly remember where I read those words.
The author had put it very simply. Without hating somebody deeply you can never love the person that much. And vice-versa of course.

Now I don’t understand why I ever thought he was right.

Big Fish

2005-09-03T02:26:00.000+08:00

I love traveling on buses. Or trains. As long as its not too crowded. That’s because my mind loves traveling too. My mind speeds off in all directions when I space out. That’s usually when I get all my inspiration. But the sad thing is that they’re somehow easily forgotten once you focus on them. Just like dreams.

Here’s a lovely story to everyone out there. This one was written entirely on a train last year, for a creative thinking class. Enjoy!

********

I left the seminar room feeling rather light-headed. It was only then I realized, a flash of insight does not go, “Eureka!” Neither does a lightbulb splendidly materialize at a forty-five degree angle to the crown of your head. It is a realization which hits you, a queer feeling, a warm and mellow sensation which pools from the deepest pits of your stomach, slowly spreading to soothe that longing desire in the heart.

That bus ride home was unusually quiet. The darkness from outside shone with a light reflecting colors from beyond. The traffic lights morphed into black and white candy canes which shone with magnificent green lights. The bus moved at the speed of a space shuttle in which I was being taken through suddenly all too unfamiliar surroundings.

This, I decided, must be the day. The day I regarded these screaming babies as fellow commuters with white glows and halos hovering about their heads must be the day I will finally unravel the mystery of “Big Fish”, the most intriguing film I have seen in recent days.

I gingerly popped in the DVD, and strange sensations washed themselves all over me.

I gasped breathlessly as Edward Bloom recounted the frightful tale of the ugly witch. I melted like a marshmallow as he described his love at first sight. I squealed with delight as he heroically saved the lovely little town of Spectre. I choked with tears as Edward’s lifeless body was released into the waters, like the big fish he had always been. His stories would carry on with his progeny.

By George, did I just say what I said just now? Big fish? Unrestricted from all limitations, unprotected by boundaries, and possessing total freedom. I popped out the DVD for what must have been the ten thousandth time, only this once with enlightenment.

Such was the effect of Edward Bloom’s stories.

A moment of total immersion, fed by a desire to be led away by the wonders in the ordinary world, wonders people habitually deny.
A moment when dreams could become real, when ordinary people can shake off their burdens and become their own Supermans.
A moment of escape, as the choice to lead such a temporary life presents itself.
A moment of magic, held within a, but willing, mere suspension of belief. If only people could unshackle the chains upon their hearts, perhaps they could then see without being blind, dream without fear of retaliation. Stories could become real, if we allow it to happen.

I quivered with delight. I smiled. The trees outside the window rustled noisily, chorusing their approval with my newfound knowledge.

Justin Scott would have laughed. But start close to the end? I wouldn’t have had my story now.

What?

2005-09-03T02:11:00.000+08:00

It’s been a long time since I felt like this.

Usually I’m instantaneously transported to Dreamland the moment I hit my bed.

Today I just toss and turn in my bed even in the serene coolness of my room.

I guess most of you must be wondering now; is this some fictitious story again?

The answer is no. This is as real as it gets. Vinny the sexiest Vampire is suddenly blogging explicitly about his/her/its life.

Because I’m really frustrated.

I need sleep. I really do. But today what happens is that the ghosts of all my unwritten stories that had sprouted in my head have decided to come together and bother me to no end.

Endless notions and nagging suspicions I can do without have conspired to drag me away for a personal interview.

Wordless questions and shapeless fears have disguised themselves as the four walls of my room and have closed in on me.

Fuck.

Now that is another first in this blog.

Maybe I’ll see fit to delete this post away in future.
But I doubt it.

Because I usually believe that a person shouldn’t regret doing something because, should time reverse itself, the person would not have made a different choice either.

Yes. “Usually”.

Unless the person has had already, prior knowledge of the consequences.

If so, fuck him.
Or her.

My career counselor with her keen perceptiveness told me before; that I have an uncanny need to make sense of the big picture.
Which means I have a need to see how things link up.

Which is why I value consistency in a person.

Which is why I do not easily trust people who reveal multi-faceted profiles incongruent to what they supposedly represent.

Because these people’s intentions and thoughts are hard to imagine.

And these people whose motivations are unimaginable and unrecognizable are unintentionally seen as … distant beings.

Whatever we call it in our hearts.

And then ironically, this is a post which ideas in itself already don’t link.

And the irony ironically just about sums it all up.

This is for you, see you Mondays.

2005-08-26T14:47:00.000+08:00

Misplacing your trust can be a very scary thing. The consequence of losing somebody’s trust is equally traumatizing, just to be on the fair side.

Once a seed of doubt is sown, it engages in an all frenzy mind crazy attack parasiting upon itself. And once that is complete it then feeds beyond itself.

You can say it is like gastric juice trying to digest the stomach itself.
Or if you want to take it further you can describe it as a ravenous black hole which expands as it devours until there is nothing left and that’s when it devours itself.

But let’s stop at this.
Such things happen all the time. It’s just a matter of dealing with it.
So let’s deal with it.

The least the trustor (if the person could ever trust again) can then do would be to offer the benefit of the doubt, and refrain from tactlessly communicating blatant distrust.

And the least the trustee (if the person is worthy of ever being trusted again) can then do would be to simply recognize the trustor’s silent fears and act upon it by placating without being prompted.

With sincerity of course.

Yet it goes back to the question, how will we ever know if that person is worthy of being trusted again?

And, what would make you take that risk again?

“One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve”

Repost.

2005-08-26T01:05:00.000+08:00

Hey i look out of my window
And spot darkness,
Riding overhead.

Hey i peer harder through the square hole
And spied clouds,
Trudging, reluctantly.

Hey i reach out but
hit the window panes instead.
Surely, painfully.

But hey how could it be?
The view was spectacular,
Crimson and tubular.

Perhaps i should smash the panes..
(No think about the repercussions!)
Perhaps i could just open the window?
(No they wouldn't let you!)

But they're catching up!
(Who is???)
And the clouds are disappearing!!
(Could they bring salvation?)

What should i do??
(There's nothing you can do, i'm afraid)
I MUST get out!!
(Well, if you say so...)

I pull myself back
And heave a great sigh.
Through the window crack
Stars were shining high.

My pulse was racing,
Blood filled with adrenalin.
I took my chances like
I would, a bottle of flin.
Threw my head back
And laughed my last.

The pane shattered
But there was no pain.
The skies broke and glimmered,
Like sin most profane.
All at once
the lights went out.
Gushings slowed but pantings
Ceased most abrupt.

"Let me go
Let me go away again
Let me change my direction
I can't take that rejection again
Let me go, let me go
I'll find my own"

Check email

2005-08-13T15:42:00.000+08:00

Doors (2)

2005-08-04T21:53:00.000+08:00

The first post was wrong. New doors really can open. Even when old doors are left open. What really happens is that people can go through only one of them at any given time. That is not the problem. That is a given. The problem arises when the open door swings shut as they go through the other. It is a problem because they end up never knowing if that now-shut door had been the right door.

"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone"

**
Doors
http://vinny-littlevampire.blogspot.com/2005/03/doors.html

SOURCE UNKNOWN: Quarter-life Crisis

2005-07-18T18:55:00.000+08:00

"They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.

You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.

Or maybe you love someone yet love another too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Send this to your twenty-something friends...maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy."

Bloody hell.

Fear edges out

2005-07-18T01:58:00.000+08:00

INSPIRATION impeded by a reluctance to pen convoluted thoughts down.

Turned off by the idea of organizing and analyzing unpleasantries. Frightened by the possibility of affirming one’s deepest fears. Terrified of making un-concurred senseless emotional comments.

Motivated by the wisdom in cultivating short-term memory. Attracted by the popular notions of leading worry-less lives.

Confused by the idealism in experiencing the full spectrum of an emotional roller-coaster ride. Bewildered about the existence of a perfect balance.

3: 2: 2

Fear won.

"1. Tear-jerkers make me tear; comedies make me laugh.
2. Set me free; Let me go.
3. The Scrooge. Killkillkill
4. 1+1 = 2. And none too soon.
5. Lovin my life; Too selfish to give it all up.
……………………… "

Blue (4)

2005-06-25T14:05:00.000+08:00

Anniversary.

A particular date. An ordinary date which could hold no meaning to one, or an ordinary date which had meant the world to a person.

Anniversary.

The significant passing of time. The passing of time in a calendar. Memories can fade though, through this passing. And then it all comes back with the Anniversary.

Anniversary.

Can it be called that if at present it engages all but only one person’s emotions? Or is it only an Anniversary if more than 1 person acknowledges it to be so?

I wouldn’t know. I haven’t checked the dictionary. I don’t even know what I’m saying.

Anniversary.

It doesn’t mean anything now. You’re gone, and no one date represents more of you to me than any other. Not one day goes by that your smile is not in my mind. It doesn’t matter anymore that this was when I first fell in love with you. It could have been another date altogether.

Because it had been love at first sight.

PP

“You ask me, how am I?
Well I'm still standing, aren't I?
That's something, that's one thing that's gone my way”

Lovely Summer

2005-06-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

Oh my God oh my God.

Summer Fever.

Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year!

Happy 4th July!

Happy Deepavali!

Happy days!!

Woohooo!!!

Blue (3)

2005-06-06T23:00:00.000+08:00

My dear, I know this shouldn’t be the case, but I miss you so much. So, so much.

I had reached my right hand unconsciously into my side pocket. It was zipped. Surprisingly.

Zipped up as tightly as my heart is wound up over you.

Not astounding.

You had passed me that piece of chocolate, remember? Along with your lovely smile. I had put it in my pocket. It had melted there, its contents spilled into a gooey, sticky mess. I hadn’t told you about it. Neither had I told you then about how my heart had melted too.

By you.

Lovely you.

My side pockets had always been unzipped. Because of you, they’re never going to be so again.

Because you came into my life.

Because I wouldn’t want anyone else to.

PP

“I've found a reason to show,
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you…”

The Power of Suggestion

2005-05-24T21:52:00.000+08:00

The power of Suggestion. It doesn't necessarily have to come externally. By externally that means influence from external. That's repetitive.

That's redundant.

Internal. That's how it can also rear its head. You wonder. You plant a seed in your mind. Unconsciously. That's the word. You cannot shake it away. You become obsessed. You think. You don't know how it got into your head. You wonder. You consider endless possibilities. You try to recall how this thought came into your head. You cannot. You try to place when it came into your head. You fail.

You do not know what to do.

Blue (2)

2005-05-15T02:24:00.000+08:00

It’s not quite yet Valentine’s Day, but… here I am again. I’m sitting right up here, thinking about you.

Missing you.

Hello my dear. My sweetest.
I have so much I need to tell you.

I’ve tried hard to forget you – I know you would have wanted it that way. I’ve tried. Really I did. Sometimes I even manage to go for weeks at a time without thinking of you.

Then I see something that reminds me of you. That cozy little restaurant tucked in the corner of the street that we went to all those lovely evenings. Those streets on which we had our little walks with your hand tucked tightly under my arm. Some cute little present that you spent those nights making for me.

That’s when I remember all the times we shared. And that’s when it all comes back. That’s when it starts to hurt.

But I can live with the hurt, my dear.
Because I don’t want to forget you.

I want to remember it all. The uncertainty of our first meeting. The clumsy first steps into our relationship. Our awkward declarations of love. The happiness and the pain that came along with loving each other. The joy when we were able to forget our troubles for a moment, just by staying with each other.

Most of all, I want to remember the joy. I need to remember the joy.
Because if I lose that, then all I’ll have left is the horror.

My dear, that life I had with you, that life we had shared, I could have done that forever. But look at me. Whatever am I going to do with myself now?

I guess I came back here because I needed to tell you that I’m sorry. That I’m sorry I had allowed a part of me to die here with you. That I’m sorry 'cos no matter how I hard I tried to forget you I just couldn’t. And to tell you that no matter what I have with anyone else, it’ll never be as good as what we had shared.

But maybe someday I’ll find happiness.

Somehow.

But no matter what happens to me, I want you to know something – that I will always love you ... and I will never forget you.

PP

*adapted from Alternate Reality*

“Cause between now and then,
Till I see you again,
I'll be loving you,
Love, Me”

An Evening with You

2005-05-01T16:42:00.000+08:00

A good point was made. It was mentioned that there is often no sense of direction even after already spending years in a relationship. And getting there, right to the brink of marriage seems to be the ultimate goal of this hard work. Yet, should it be? These people suddenly look back and say, “Huh? Is that it?” And then they are lost. They hadn’t seemed to have seen themselves getting to this stage.

Now perhaps this is the reason why we see people sticking around in prolonged, unhappy relationships. Because prolonging it appears to be the order of the day. Yet this only reveals the absence of the oft-forgotten words of wisdom, that marriage is but the beginning. Which means the working towards it is a pre-condition, not quite the means to an end already. Which means you don’t graduate after nursery. It simply means you are ready to advance to kindergarten.

Perhaps if people are able to start with the end in mind, they wouldn’t confuse themselves as much as they would like to anymore.

Fleeting panic

2005-04-12T13:46:00.000+08:00

Pit of stomach goes on roller coaster ride
Ears turn red
Sneaking glance
Face flushes

* fleeting panic *

Mind goes on Overload
Silly lines dance around
Sneaking glance
Face breaks into smile

* fleeting panic *

Heart on adrenaline rush
Limbs immobilized
Sneaking glance
Face, stays up

:)

"我想让你分享，我们心动时分的梦想
这是一个开始，还是一种幻想
未来正在等待，不是吗?"

In joy we celebrate

2005-04-12T09:13:00.000+08:00

The spark of firework shot itself into the sky and multiplied itself into a glowing umbrella of a million lights. The people cheered and roared their deepest approval into the night air. The blast of music enveloped the world and all that there was was the clout of exploding energy reverberating into the souls of the people. The force moved the people and gave their limbs lives of their own. The force took over the hearts of the people and invoked in them delirious sensations of ecstasy and elation. The people did not hear themselves anymore, did not know themselves anymore; they were as one, united and combined into a huge sphere of joyful harmony and immaculate bliss.

Thank you

2005-04-03T15:52:00.000+08:00

I was settled snugly into the front seats of the bus when a bunch of college girls sat themselves facing me. Around 17-18 and all English speaking, they continued their discussion fervently.

“Yak yak yak… your hair is pretty trust me…. yak yak yak”
“Don’t worry boys will still like you… yada yada yada”
“Chatter chatter chatter… you know when you’re single too long you begin sucking up yourself.”

I looked up. That had caught my attention.

The girls went quiet. “…..Su..su..suck yourself?” one sputtered.

“Noo…I meant, PSYCHE yourself!!” explained the girl, seemingly unaware of the slight commotion she had created.

I went back to my scribblings.

“Yada yada….and this pregnant girl then went for this guy who’s already attached! 横刀夺爱!”
"Wait wait what is 横刀夺爱?” interjected one girl fervently.

I looked up again. “Hmm…interesting,” i thought, and went back again to scribbling.

“Yak yak yak you know those ghost stories in school ..yak yak yak”
“Chatter chatter chatter…my friend told me that the caretaker saw this bunch of ghosts performing funeral rites, and I was wondering how all these ghosts could have died together in that setting…”

The other girls burst into laughter.

I looked up again, trying to keep a straight face.

My stop came soon after...

Damn.

Caged

2005-04-02T15:58:00.000+08:00

I like how you try not to show when you’re frustrated yet I do know you are.
I like how you try your best to hide how tired you are so as to perk me up.
I like how you never neglect me even when I know you’re so, so busy.
I like how you make me feel like I’m important in your life.
I like how you never laugh at the most ridiculous thoughts I have.
I like how you treat my every opinion so seriously.
I like how you try your best to encourage me even when I’m too busy for you.
I like how you are so, so sincere in your words~

Mouse in Cage, climbing the High Wall

Little Johnny and our little rabbit

2005-03-30T13:25:00.000+08:00

Little Johnny skipped gaily along his route along the well-worn road. He sees palettes of beautiful colors in the flowers and trees and hears cacophonies of sweet chirpings by the birds and soothing rustling of the bushes and leaves. An adorable little rabbit hopped its way merrily and gaily into Little Johnny’s way. Little Johnny appeared stumped only for a moment for he was not used to appearing stumped. For he was not used to little rabbits hopping in into his way. For he does not know how to react to little rabbits hopping in into his way.

Little Johnny gingerly picked up the little rabbit and examined it gingerly smilingly. The little rabbit squeaked and appeared to smile at him. Little Johnny’s heart skipped two beats as the little rabbit skipped and tumbled around in his palms. Little Johnny’s heart skipped another two beats as the little rabbit tumbled around a while more and flashed its tiny teeth at him.
“Just like a cute little squirrel,” Little Johnny thought. “A cute little squirrel I’ve never come across.”

Doors

2005-03-20T18:02:00.000+08:00

People want to open new doors. What they do is they keep the old door open while waiting for new doors to open. What they do not realise is that an open old door cannot open up new doors. An old door closed will open new doors. Really. But what are behind new doors can be very intimidating.

Blue

2005-02-26T19:47:00.000+08:00

It’s Valentine’s Day and there’s a place I stop by once in a year.
Nobody knows. I don’t make a big deal out of it.
It’s about remembering someone who was so important to me I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. Only I didn’t realize such a decision was never mine to make. That it only meant she would spend the rest of her life with me.

When you lose someone you love, everyone tells you to pick yourself up and move on, saying, “it is what she would want to see, you smiling and not dwelling on the past anymore.”

And that does make me smile. Like I would ever want to forget you.
And all the nights when we talked for hours and told the secrets of our souls and stories of our lives. And the nights when we didn’t sleep because we couldn’t stand to be apart.

Hello my dear. My lovely Valentine.
I had a dream about you today.

We were strolling amongst the busy streets. Amongst people we did not know. It was a beautiful evening, just like all the other evenings we used to spend together. The wind was in your hair and….and you were alive my dear.
It seemed so real. I could touch you, hear your laughter. I could tell you I love you, knowing I’ll see your sheepish smile. And the strangest part, the hardest part, was that it was today. Not in the past. You were still alive… today.

I wish I could ask you now, did you ever see us apart? Because I know I couldn’t. In a world that didn’t make any sense, this really didn’t make any sense. Love didn’t keep us together. Or perhaps, love couldn’t keep us together.

I guess when sometimes I try and sum up how I feel and make sense of your death around this time of the year… I feel blue. And I long for a time when a girl I knew with an incredible smile and so much good in her heart made me think…. Life can be great. And I will love you enough for the both of us, even when it has become impossible to love yourself.

PP

*adapted from Blue*

"And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face"

Guilt trip no more.

2005-02-24T16:53:00.000+08:00

It is amazing how simple acts can reveal the true nature of a person and as a result lose the respect the person had enjoyed. And ironically, it affects the one who had held that admiration more than the former. It is like a person throwing you a punch, hitting you squarely in the nose, and telling you “Haha, you’re the silliest ass in the world.” The punch hurts, but not so much so as the disappointment. Respect is not some process with a set of guidelines to adhere to, but rather; a steadfast and consistent integrity possessed, which tells people of a quiet sincerity.

What is the whole idea of treating every other person like trash, just so another could be pacified, or impressed? It is unlike a situation where the events necessitate such an action which smacks sorely of double-standards. It is a situation where the irrelevant blatant disregard of people occurs solely because of self-centeredness, and insensitivity. And this is amazing, because, why then would such a person command respect or admiration in the first place?

The reason is simple enough. Because we have yet to see inconsistent behavior which reflects the person’s true values. Yet this façade can be so easily broken when a person reeks of insincerity. And it is important to state that, insincerity is very different from hypocrisy in this context, even though they may be synonymous. Sincerity reflects and shines through every action, whether or not they’re performed to achieve anything. I see hypocrisy happening when a person has a malicious intent. And the stark difference between a sincere and non-sincere person is that, the latter does nice stuff because one needed to do it, and the former, because one wanted to do it.

I cannot decide which is worse; the fact that a person let you down, or that your judgment let you down.

"I can remember...dreamt them so vividly
Soft creatures draped in white, light kisses gracing me
I can remember when I first realized dreams were the only place to see them."

Making a choice. The coin method.

2005-02-21T17:01:00.000+08:00

SITUATION 1
Pick up a coin, proceed to flip it.
If it lands Heads, it’s decision A. If it lands Tails, it’s decision B. You tell yourself no cheating.
Flip coin.

Heads.

Your heart skips in disappointment.
Your decision is B.

SITUATION 2
Pick up a coin, proceed to flip it.
If it lands Heads, it’s decision A. If it lands Tails, it’s decision B. You tell yourself no cheating.
Flip coin.

Heads.

You are relieved.
Your decision is A.

SITUATION 3
Pick up a coin, proceed to flip it.
If it lands Heads, it’s decision A. If it lands Tails, it’s decision B. You tell yourself no cheating.

Heads.

You are bewildered, but not upset. You do not panic. You wonder.
Your decision is neither. You do not know shit yet.

*** ***

You want to know what you want; you have to first know yourself.

OMG!! I'm in love!!!! wheeEEe! hahahha!! :) :)

2005-02-15T15:54:00.000+08:00

I went out of my room, not expecting to see what I saw. She was wagging and wagging her cute little tail, and she pressed her body on the floor while peeping at me. This was my closest contact with a puppy. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t of a fine breed, and I couldn’t even tell what breed she was. The moment I saw her my heart just melted. Anyhow, she got even my mom excited; my mom, who always disapproved of pets. Hahaa.
I love her tail. It’s around 30cm long, and it keeps wagging like nobody’s business. I told my brother maybe we could put detergent on it, and it could help us wipe our windows. Hahaa. Amazingly she appeared to be trained. She sits when you tell her to, and I just have to raise up my hand above her head. Yesh, I couldn’t bear saying “sit” to her. I’m nuts that way. It’s the same for babies; I can’t do baby-talk!! She’s not toilet-trained though, when you smack her or pull her into the bathroom for a bath she just keeps peeing. I think she pees when she gets excited. And I think she loves it when I stroke her head, but boy, if she pees when she gets excited then why doesn’t she do so when I touch her? Haha. Darn I feel so appreciated when she keeps clawing at me and jumping at me. Hahaa!

I finally know how pet owners feel, I’m in love!! Heh!

Interesting article (source: HWZ)

2005-02-15T06:43:00.000+08:00

Infatuation versus Love. Awww. haha. Enjoy.

"Infatuation is instant desire - one set of glands calling to another.

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by their presence, even when they are away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know they are yours, and you can wait.

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing them."

Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.

Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship, which makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When they're away, you wonder if they're cheating. Sometimes, you check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. They feel your trust, and it makes them even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.

Love makes you feel whole. It completes the circle. It fills the empty space in your heart. Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you don't have. If there is no love in your life, whatever else there is has a lot less meaning.

The secret of our being is not only to live but to have something to live for."

Glimpse into my life (finally) (1)

2005-02-10T06:42:00.000+08:00

I looked into my old shoebox weeks ago, and discovered a CNY greeting card, from a friend, dated 10 years ago. Yeap, i'm not exaggerating. 10 years ago. I still feel young. I feel 15. I can hardly believe i could write 10 years ago. And amazingly, after 9.5 years of never speaking to this friend, we ended up going to the same school, and sharing the same classes, and for 2 terms already.

My friend isn't the reason i'm making such a post (sorry, haha. It was the remark she made to me. That she believed everything happened to her for a reason. The ones put into her life, the nice people, the unpleasant characters, and everything else. I would like to think that she was too shy to tell me i belonged to the former category.

It is only recently i wonder at how life employs such an uncanny way of planning things. The significance of a single event is hardly obvious; it is only when you look upon it as a whole...when you realise that if one had not decided on Event A through some extremely random consideration, the future Event B would probably not happen, and of course not Event C. And how that would have changed a person's life. No matter how minute the change seems.

When i was 13, in Secondary One, i was posted to Class 1/3. I stepped in, breathed the air deeply, looked around, and decided right away that this wasn't a place i wanted to spend a year of my life in. How resolute i was. The moment i left that classroom, i persuaded my mother to accompany me to go fill in the form to take up Higher Chinese. Yes, i had hated Chinese back then, but i did it to get a transfer out of that class.

I finally got posted to Class 1/4. How that had changed my life. It's not hard to figure out why. Yanyi gasped as i told her about this. If i had not been so resolute, where would i have been now, without you guys? I could have been better off of course. But i do not believe this. This is what has made me who i am, and it is important for me to tell the world that i am extremely proud about every one of these friends.

I catch hints of such domino effects happening in my present new phase of life, good and bad, though it has been concentrated in a much smaller timeframe. I really wonder what will follow in future.

Today is the first day of the Chinese New Year. I sincerely wish all a happy festive season. And special mention to Mr Liang. Happy Birthday! You'll never be younger than me. Hoho.

:)

"But if destiny decided I should look the other way
Then the world would never know
The greatest story ever told
And did I tell you that I love you?"

Dedication to R, TSK. (have fun writing, :))

2005-02-02T17:31:00.000+08:00

(Hahaha. Interesting discussion. Here you go. Style is first-person/rambling/unpolished feel/desperate/unimportant-facts haha)

****************************************************

My Dear,

My life is funny. I realize suddenly I have never, never ever prayed to God, for the silly request to know all of what a person is thinking. Not for my family, not for my closest friends. Yet right now, if I had one wish, I would ask that I be omniscient, just in regard to you. Perhaps I am changing myself, just to get closer to you, trying to inch nearer to feeling what a person like you would feel, step into your world and see how things look like from your angle. This change is not killing me; it is more the frustration I have for myself that is tearing me to pieces. I have mentioned before, the more I cannot figure out a person, the more interested I get in that person. That is such a lie. This logic applies only to you. I hardly see myself banging the four walls with my head ever in the past just to find out how a person’s day went.

I keep asking myself, am I not doing enough, or is it just me that you simply refuse to allow into your world? Both choices do not appeal to me; for I know that on my side, I have tried so many means to do so already without being intrusive to your life, stopped short of grabbing you by your shoulders and looking into your face and telling you blatantly how important it is for me that your days went well. I simply cannot entertain the other answer because I cannot bear the thought of….you, trying to shut all the windows I’ve been fighting to open. I cannot bear the thought of admitting to myself that you could do that to me, be so cruel. I used to think we had a good start, but where are we now? We’re further from the start than we’ve ever been; only sadly now the truth is that we’re far from starting.

I had kept asking for a sign; a sign from above to tell me when to stop, stop this meaningless pursuit, stop this hurt I’m causing to myself. Yet as always, when what I would presume to be one comes along; I shut my senses out to it and tell myself it isn’t clear enough. Yes, I know I am fooling myself, and although I know it’s never the case, I just cannot see myself breaking out of this. “Ridiculous” is the word I would use here, and it had always been a word too strong for me to use on myself. This is because I know, at any given point in time were I to stand outside looking in at myself, I would be saying “Hey you’re crazy, just knock it off and get a life.”

I am so exhausted. Really I am. You win. I’ll accept that second proposition. I concede.

K.P.

"我会记得这一刻
那些还飞翔着不可思议的梦
雨后的天空会有绚烂的彩虹
像最初相信着我会找到自由

哦……只是远行不是逃避告别是为延续回忆永恒的华丽"

Diary of a Deflated man

2005-02-01T05:59:00.000+08:00

Girl bumps into boy, years after graduation

** Yada yada**

A: *surprised*

What do you mean you’re not attached? I mean...I've always thought you were so nice and everything! How could that be??

B: *indifferent*

(joking manner) Well… maybe you thought wrong then.. haha.

A: *sheepishly*

You know something? I…..used to admire you back in the college days. Everyone around me knew about it. *blushes*

B: “well I guess you must have been blind then”

Oh really?…well that is so embarrassing.. I didn’t even know about it?

A: *blushing still*

My friends used to try pushing me towards you, especially when your class was right in front of mine.

B: *smiling*

Well I guess those were the days, but hey lets not keep your boyfriend waiting, I see he’s already here. *looks over own shoulder* I’ll see you around! (waves)

"That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy"

You're getting closer

2005-01-30T05:53:00.000+08:00

This is when the largest disappointments cannot upset him anymore, when the best moments he so looks forward to in his life have morphed cruelly into the polar opposite of whatsoever had so endeared his heart before. This is when the scorching flame in his heart had diminished into a feeble glow, a glow which lies softly unwavering and unaffected even as the wind tries to take what is left of it. This is solely what is left lingering, the tiny morsel of life so impervious to all things else because it had grown so weary and apathetic in making sense of all that had made him the way he is now.

This is then the foolish type man who would cross a road slowly and hope that a car would hit him, the senseless kind of man who would look high up at the top storey of a tall building and fantasize about how it would feel like to free-fall from such a height, the wretched breed of man who would pick fights and try to get himself killed.

This is the kind of man who has nothing to fear, because he knows he has nothing to lose.

MM

"This is getting cold, I can't break these
Chains that I hold
My body's growing cold, there's nothing
Left of this mind or my soul
Addiction needs a pacifier, the buzz of
This poison is taking me higher
This will fall away, this will fall away"

TEN (top) THINGS I HATE (not) ABOUT YOU

2005-01-27T18:54:00.000+08:00

To the one whom I insisted has more than just a pretty face

TEN (top) THINGS I HATE (not) ABOUT YOU (since you had so politely asked)

1. The way you’re so attached to your friends and you enjoy all your sleepovers and such
2. The way you go on and on about cooking
3. The way you look as you try to say no
4. The way you can look so cute when you sit up so straight on your chair when you get excited
5. The way your smile can get so mesmerizing it threw me off balance so many times
6. The way you manage to look as adorable as a little girl at times
7. The way your simple “Awwww”s and “hahaa”s can give me butterflies in my stomach
8. The way those loose strands of hair falling over your face give these silly impulses to comb them back with my fingers
9. The way you are so sensitive towards people’s feelings and thinks so hard before you speak
6.(right, i can't count) The way you are so amazingly good natured that it becomes a pleasure just to watch the way you interact
7. The way you are so game to try new things
8. The way you can be so determined and iron-willed
9. The way you so mysteriously manage to worm yourself so easily into a person’s mind
10. The way your beautiful mind works

Paul

Little Tommy (1)

2005-01-25T17:45:00.000+08:00

Tommy looked into the shop wistfully. There it laid the single most magnificent train set his eyes had ever set on, only one of its kind, and prominently displayed for all to gawk at. He pressed his face hard onto the window pane, as though wishing it would give way and allow him to hold the prized toy in his hands. But alas, as the cold wind cuts through his poorly-clothed body again, reality hits him and drags him down from the pinnacle of his fantasies.

Trudging through the snow, he counted again the pennies he had grasped in his hands. Just a week more, he would have saved enough money to fulfill his wildest dreams. He was young, but he possessed a maturity unusual from the other children. He realized the significance and value in paying for it his own way. Anything meaningful, he reckoned, is worth working hard for. Any desire which could be fulfilled at the snap of a finger could only be fleeting.

The days went by, and Tommy stayed faithful to his daily ritual of stopping by the shop, admiring the train set with his unwavering gaze. As he managed to save more money he got increasingly excited at the prospect of finally being able to hold the toy in his hands.

Today was finally the day.

Hardly able to contain the rising sensations of joy and anticipation in his heart, he speed-walked to the shop, all along curbing in him the excitement that was threatening to spill over and render him out of control. He gritted that grin that kept wanting to spread over his face, and folded those arms that were growing increasingly fidgety. He was barely able to avoid crashing into that well-adorned kid who was strolling out the shop with his parents.

Yet the train set that was being carried away by the kid did not escape his notice.

His heart sank.

He cried.

"Like a moth to a flame, burned by the fire
My love is blind, can't you see my desire?"

Letter to Nowhere

2005-01-23T08:07:00.000+08:00

Dear Nobody,

How could something that had felt so right turn out so wrong? How could things turn so awry when all had been looking so good and rosy? When I first met you I had thought for certain I had found the one I would spend the rest of my life with. Now I look at you and the hurt spews from my heart like gushing water from a faucet rusted fixed.

The times spent with you were times no words could ever describe. If I ever finally believe in Heaven I would like to think that I was once part of it `cos you were once part of me. But now that you are gone I know that I will never be able to know Heaven again.

Yet I do realize the foolishness in believing so firmly that there could never be another you to fill up that empty space again. I had kept thinking it was impossible, but when I saw him yesterday with those eyes and smiles that I had so wrongly believed to belong to you exquisitely, my heart fluttered. Yes, my life does not stop when you are not part of the equation. My life will not stop even if I shall never see you again. If by any chance you would be interested to know, I will be seeing him who has your eyes later.

I hate you.

I really do.

K.P.

“I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me.”

Says her....

2005-01-22T16:40:00.000+08:00

as she got onto the bus, with excitement..."Hey, where are the seatbelts?"

Sigh..

Floating on air

2005-01-20T17:00:00.000+08:00

wheeeeeEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Excerpt from Diary

2005-01-19T12:50:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I do not know how it started, I mean, I have never liked his kind before. Not that I’m a wild girl and all that, it is just that, I seem to be taking a sudden keen interest in such qualities of stability and gentleness in a man. Such qualities that seem to embody him. Out and out. Did these qualities attract me, or is it him…him I’ve fallen in love with, which made me embrace all that I have not treated with priority before?

Him … who touched my heart so slowly but surely, touched my life in ways I’ve never been touched before.
Him … who has opened up my eyes to myself, providing for me a pillar of support so sincere and undying, providing for me the affection that has gradually become the light in my life.

Him … the mystery.

And myself … the mystified.

Lost,
P. Karen

Masquerade?

2005-01-15T16:02:00.000+08:00

There was this weird man on television. He was being introduced for his “talent” of maintaining a straight face. When asked if he ever smiles, he said, NEVER. When asked if he ever cried, even as a baby, he said, I DUNNO, I WAS ONLY A BABY, COULDN'T REMEMBER.
I wondered then if he had been faking it all the way, for not once did he crack into the slightest grin, and I thought it must have taken tremendous willpower to do that. I mean, how could you not laugh into Jack Neo’s face?
But eventually I was convinced by him when he said that he had made it his principle to not smile. For some reasons.

I quote this paragraph from a blogger (Ang Lai Imm) which description I had chanced upon and found to be most apt for this post.
“Alter egos - a cheerful persona by day, a sombre melancholic soul by night. Behind that façade of a sprightly shallow persona lies a person whose thoughts match the depth of the ocean and a hint of seriousness that freezes even the most carefree of souls,” and, “It is not a matter of false pretence or a two-faced liar. People with alter egos mean no harm at all. It is never their intention to fool and manipulate others to their advantage.”

I recognize the presence of those who feel guilty for such a "dual" personality, the ones who get upset with themselves for behaving in ways so contrary to how they would prefer to react. The ones who exhaust themselves at night as they desperately try to come to terms with who they really are. The ones who eventually disgust themselves as their inherent nature gets overwhelmed by the need to compromise.

As a consolation to these people, with hindsight, how often is it in the real world do we get to voice our truest opinions and thoughts? How practical is it for us to display our innermost emotions if we want to remain "politically correct" or tactful? Life is all about balance, about being strong yet gentle, or being forthright but tactful. Personal principles coupled with societal expectations... these could be what drives a person to step out of character for a moment, to achieve that perfect "balance". It could be wise for these people to stop blaming themselves for a moment.

Remember, you are not being hypocritical, nor do you not have a mind of your own. And most importantly, you are not a bad person.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

2005-01-14T15:14:00.000+08:00

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Your turn. Extra smilies at no extra charge. hahaaa. soooo lame. :) :) :) :)

Little Peter, explained.

2005-01-13T10:13:00.000+08:00

Hopefully this short explanation of the short stories Little Peter, and Little Peter(2) posted could provide some insight for readers. :)

This story can generally be applied to any situation and while every element in the story is symbolic, it is for the reader to decide (not decipher) their own meanings. The cows being herded symbolises the lives we’re leading, the lives we’re in control of and constantly giving direction to. That is, until when we relinquish the reins for something seemingly more appealing. In this story, Peter allows the cows, to run loose, after involving himself in a situation he should not have indulged in. He had been so mesmerised, staying on for so long till his cows were “reaching home.” (built on the common saying “Cows have come home”).

The second part of the story tells us that Life does not wait for us. (The cows have went on and fed themselves.) The words “apparent better judgement” suggest that Little Peter, at the height of his obsession, was reluctant to leave. Staying on had appeared to be the best choice for him right then. The word “consciously” suggests that it had been a difficult choice for him to take. He had been lucky, he hadn’t been too far gone, the cows can still be seen to be “grazing lazily at the bottom of the hill.” The scene which comes to mind where the objects of temptation were specified to be seen only from the corner of his eyes is especially significant, as when presented with a choice, Peter chooses to face his life ahead of him instead.

:)

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

2005-01-10T15:58:00.000+08:00

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

:) :) :)

2005-01-08T15:58:00.000+08:00

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Sometimes love just ain't enough

2005-01-04T18:39:00.000+08:00

There are so many reasons why relationships finally fail. Or why relationships never even take off. Two people, so perfectly compatible, so well-suited to each others' temperaments, ideals, philosophies of life, can yet witness that unique closeness between them morph into claustrophobia. Two people, who believes silently that the depths of their love could carry them throughout the years, can yet be humbled by such intricacies of Life.

How nice it is to be able to not have to doubt, to draw upon each others' unconditional affection silently. What a relief, to be able to switch off the defenses we had put up to navigate along Life's troubled and convoluted journeys, and indulge solely in each others' presence. How good it would be, to honestly believe you could spend your lifetime loving him.

But you know what? Sometimes, love just isn't enough.

"But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough."

"And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough."

Nice guys don't finish last

2005-01-04T17:55:00.000+08:00

cos they don't even finish.

well....

2005-01-01T14:50:00.000+08:00

1. How much can we achieve, if we did one thing we fear everyday?
2. Have we been ever so secure in one’s love, that we did not realize how insecure she/he could be in ours?
3. Are we accepting God’s will, or are we really just seeking our own?
4. Would we rather be the Bully, or could being bullied be sometimes better?
5. Do we accuse others of being bullies, while being the bully ourselves?
5. Do we need many friends to laugh with, or do we just need a few we can cry with?
6. Do we act in accordance with God’s Word compelled by the need to or do we do it because we understand and believe in it?
7. Does a chapter of our life finally end however without us ever really ending it?
8. Is it always our fault?

6 Weeks (final episode)

2004-12-29T11:22:00.000+08:00

When we look at the show in its entirety, it hits us that life can be very unpredictable. We find out in the last episode that not even for death does the director want us to be certain about. For the life of me i cannot understand why people tell me they hated the ending. The man died following the most important 6 weeks of his life, and more. He wouldn't have died happier in illness than with the knowledge that he had died while trying to protect his family, albeit an unexpected one, especially after the prognosis. The last part was funny and heart-warming, while the only disappointing part for me was that there was no portrayal of the grownup sons and daughter to add description to his videos.

The melancholy should have been over and totally done with by now, but as these two weeks rolled by, tragedies of close proximity has amazingly not yet ceased. It had gotten to the point where the mere thought of penning them down had proven to be too much. Putting it mildly, this experience had been a very strange period of my life.
Supermans and God just doesn't seem to co-exist. Sometimes, when one starts to believe, something happens and faith is shaken. Adding them all up together and terming them as mere tests of faith only seems like some sorry excuse to deceive oneself in the hope that the divine power from up above is still on your side. But of course, where are the Supermans? And where are their Gods?

Little Peter (2)

2004-12-29T08:48:00.000+08:00

Little Peter looked around, suddenly realising his cows were gone. He stood up, stretched himself, wondering at this sudden intrusion. He certainly would have liked to stay on, but his beloved cows were nowhere in sight. He started towards the wonderful patch of grass he had planned for his cows' pleasure, but all that remained was a mess of haphazard brown. He believed that his cows had had already helped themselves, but where were they now? Against his apparent better judgement, he consciously made his way back where he had came from.

****** ******

Little Peter spotted his cows far ahead grazing lazily at the bottom of the hill, as the two buckets sitted innocuously from the corner of his eye. He smiled.

Not very random....thoughts.

2004-12-15T07:46:00.000+08:00

It had been a weird two days. Woken up on Monday...to receive news that there had been a suicide at my neighbouring block. A young man, 33, jumped at around 2.30am. That's around the time when i started on the bible. Whenever something like that happens, the first thing i'll wonder is what have i been doing. And it turned out that this young man, is the son of the Godbrother of a few of my very close relatives'.
Barely recovering from the shock, i later received news of an NYJC teacher involved in a fatal car accident in NZ. I had brushed it off then. The name John Lim didn't register in my mind. After all i was preoccupied with pacifying my Mom (and myself)at the same time.

Until i saw the papers this morning. I think i've spoken to him before. In fact..i think he's even scolded me before. For breaking some rule. It's a weird feeling to find out about a death of someone you know, close or not, through the newspaper. Especially so as i remember this guy was pretty popular among us students back then.
Coupled with what happened on Monday, these news have left me feeling....lost...?

Perhaps all of us would do well to realise, despite all the precautions and safety nets we throw around ourselves to keep us in our comfort zones...it could be more fulfilling to throw caution to the wind once in a while, and pursue our most far-fetched dreams. After all, life, can be very unpredictable, and of course, very short.

The rain...the rain......the rain

2004-12-13T11:45:00.000+08:00

Finally watched that VCD i promised myself to watch since last Christmas. Yesh, last Christmas. Jay's The One concert. The song 开不了口 sure brought back some memories. Guys, do you remember us, three years ago, sitting together quietly in Jordan's living room, enjoying the cool soothing breeze, in the wee hours of the morning? That moment was...i can't find a term suitable enough to describe it.

As much as people should not live in the past, we often overlook things which once meant something to us. We cannot appreciate its presence, and look back only when we find the present lacking. Maybe this can be described easily as....taking things for granted. And as i am reiterating again, sometimes we just get too caught up with stuff that we lose ourselves.

The song 简单爱, popular many years ago...has seemingly lost its appeal today. What had been so appealing about the song, was its lyrics, so amazingly simple, yet aptly describe a thousand sensations.

说不上为什么我变得很主动
若爱上一个人什么都会值得去做
我想大声宣布对你依依不舍
连隔壁邻居都猜到我现在的感受

河边的风在吹着头发飘动
牵着你的手一阵莫名感动
我想带你回我的外婆家
一起看着日落一直到我们都睡着

我想就这样牵着你的手不放开
爱能不能够永远单纯没有悲哀
我想带你骑单车
我想和你看棒球
想这样没担忧唱着歌一直走

我想就这样牵着你的手不放开
爱可不可以简简单单没有伤害
你靠着我的肩膀
你在我胸口睡着
像这样的生活我爱你你爱我

I guess we don't need a super-pro person to write super complicated lyrics to gain mass appeal. A sincere, innocent approach would suffice. Kudos to 徐若瑄 for such a job well done. And also...thank you very much.

YOU ASKED FOR IT

2004-12-12T17:10:00.000+08:00

It is a terrible thing to be too...inquisitive in nature. Certain things are not meant to be known, and asking to know is just plain asking for it. Either you don't get the answer and feel shitty or you force a goddamn premature answer which will definitely end up shitting out your goddamn brains. It does not pay to know every shit that is going on, and kudos to Liang, his fine philosophy of can-can-cannot-cannot should complement these ravings well and all should embrace his mentality which i unfortunately had always loved to contradict. Disappointment is such a pain in the arse but no, unlike what people love to say about pessimists never being disappointed i personally absolutely do NOT want to have anything to do with that. But yes, disappointment has a lot to do with expectations, and if the curious cat can contain all of its curiosity, retract its head from the silly clouds and refrain refrain refrain, it absolutely wouldn't need all of its goddamn nine lives at all.

Little Peter

2004-12-10T17:40:00.000+08:00

Little Peter herded his cows carefully towards the fresh, greeny patch of grass over the hill. It was a good day. The skies were blue and cloudless, the winds were blowing, and everything else just felt so right. His cows were in for a special treat. This fresh patch of greenery were the best grass any cow could set their teeth on. It would be a perfect day. Then he would lead the cows back home.

As he strolled along, he spied two buckets in the distance, right atop the hill. Somewhat fascinated, he hurried on, and peered in to the buckets' contents. Hmm...water. He squatted down, and looked in and held his gaze. Water. Deep, swirling, yet gentle, and hypnotising. Unfathomable. He was mesmerised. His cows hurried on.

****** ******

Little Peter was squatting down, arms around his knees, eyes fixed onto the water in the buckets in his trance-like state, long after his cows ambled past him, content. They were reaching home.

Merry Christmas People~

2004-12-06T18:14:00.000+08:00

The man sitting directly in front suddenly started singing aloud. In his nasally opera-ish voice. People were baffled. They jerked their heads, trying to find the source of the nuisance. People tsked-tsked him, glared at him.
He continued singing, oblivious to the stares of the commuters. Louder and louder he went, swaying his head to the beat of his own music. People started shaking their heads, drumming their fingers impatiently on their knees.
A boy behind, in his own tiny voice, began to hum along with the man. The tune was catchy. The boy was soon confident enough to sing aloud unabashedly.
A third voice from way in front joined into the duet. People looked around, inconspicuously checking out one another's expressions.
One by one, a fourth soon joined in. And a fifth.
The bus became a blooming mobile choir. The night air carried away the crisp sound of the music. The trees started to dance with the music. Fellow commuters on the road bobbed their heads in agreement with the joyous cheer. The street lamps twinkled with a sparkling light.
The man smiled.
"Jingle bells Jingle bells Jingle all the way..."

Along Came Polly (random musings)

2004-12-04T19:36:00.000+08:00

I really hate to break up this beginning of my movie marathon, but I just had to do this. 50 First Dates was good. Plenty of humor employed, romantic, makes me feel all soft and ooshyy inside, but oh well, it was pretty unbelievable. Haha.

Along Came Polly wasn’t better. But I think it had a lot more meaning than the former. Reuben was a man who errs on the side of caution. And the risks he takes are…well, calculated. His best friend, was a man who lives in the past. A person who cannot enjoy that present moment without indulging in past glory. And Polly, a person...who is so afraid of commitments. These traits are displayed by the characters….to the extreme. Now although I thought this was a pretty clichéd movie, it got me thinking. There must be this one (or more) unique thing which embodies every single one of us. Makes us different. Defines us even. And it could be interesting to look back and see what had made us who we are. Like Reuben had said, he had a mother who made him afraid of everything. Polly? Her dad had a second family.

It was interesting to identify with certain scenes in the movie. And revolting as well, considering how Reuben had totally turned me off. Well Polly…. her too. For all the wrong reasons. But Polly made the show bearable. (hmmm hey. I’m suddenly reminded of a certain Polly. Gosh I hadn’t made the connection till now hahhaha. Hi Polly. Good evening.)

What about you guys? It could be interesting to think about this. What had defined you?

Testing

2004-12-04T15:18:00.000+08:00

感人的话语多而不腻
亲密的表示安抚人心
不求日夜长相思守
只求黄昏一见解相思

Random Thoughts (thanks for the outing)

2004-11-30T21:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, simply a playful nudge, a joyous laugh shared, or a song you're humming, is all it takes to make you realise who it is actually you want to share them with. To Hj, TinTin, Guang, maybe even Katemoss, i hope you guys are indeed seeking what you have always been in search of. All too many times, without our own realisation, we contemplate to move in the opposite direction, thus losing sight of what or who, it is we actually had desired for.

We've met each other so often in Dreams
Dreams so always tender and sweet.
Could we build our little lives there instead,
There our own world shall we create.
We'll be the rulers of our land,
The beasts and Life will be ours to command.
We can spend our Lifetime together,
Farming, ploughing and tilling the land.
We can spend Eternity in each others' arms,
Drawing deep upon each others' breaths.
Hold my hand now and never let go,
Together a new life we shall begin.

6 Weeks

2004-11-30T05:06:00.000+08:00

Channel U's 6 Weeks was good. In fact, i personally think it was very good. It does not try to hide vulgarity, neither does it attempt to portray itself as an arty-farty production. In all, i would say that it has been a pretty well-balanced show so far.
It was really amusing to see Adrian mistakingly commenting on his first love's pregnancy at Swensons. Somehow, that whole scene had a sad tinge to it. I guess it is true that people love to reminisce. The reasons for doing so...the first love was saying its always cos something sad is presently happening.

Some things last forever.
They linger in the evening air.
Some things never change.
Though they still bring pain.
Some things you can never let go.
The memories of the clouds and rainbows.

Some things you want to let go.
They trail you through hot and cold.
Some things always change.
You love and hate them yet.
Some things never last.
As though spells were cast.

The smell of the memories
The lingering of the scents
The fading of the footsteps
The yellowish wooden halls
The darkness of the rooms
The comfort.

Some things stay for eternity.
Unwavering.
Unsoiled.
In its own magical glow.
Forever.

I guess there's plenty more in the show to look out for, like of course the irony of the parent volunteer vs the misguided child or the portrayal of the ex-convict as a security guard vs the cockiness of the RC Chairman. If anyone out there is watching, do remember to think beyond the cynical humour employed.

hmmmmmmmmm

2004-11-28T07:36:00.000+08:00

Start of a brand new month, birth of new to-do lists.

1. Finish the Tony Parsons series.
2. Finish The Ice Limit.
3. Go complete that Dawn of War.
4. Go work on that uncompleted song.
5. Go work more on that guitar.
6. Meet the ones whos been asking me out.
7. Learn websitey skills.
8. Finish those movies i wanted to watch.
9. Go work out.
10. Clear my mind. Empty the trash.

The Man

2004-11-25T16:50:00.000+08:00

The man didn't know what to do.

The noise from the motorcars in the streets seemed a far distance away. So far, when you're listening to it from high above.

The air seemed much thinner, the hand on his watch seemed to have died. Everything appeared lifeless up there. Up sixty-four storeys in a prestigious hotel. From an open window. A vacant ledge.

The bright lights down below appeared enticing. The man fidgeted. He looked up. The lifeless sky. No clouds. No stars. A vast darkness. Reminiscient of his life. A life of dread.

Memories flashed. He willed them to stop. Tears flowed. He willed them away furiously. Calm took over. The peace. It overtook his mind. A tiny smile took over his worn-out face. He wasn't thinking about anything anymore. His mind became a blank.

This was where he belonged.

No false starts. No deliberations.

He jumped.

When is it time to let go? (2)

2004-11-23T13:05:00.000+08:00

Dear Vinny,

When is it time to let go? I look at John and i cannot say the words. I know i have almost exhausted the possibilities. I do not know how else i can go about this matter. Every route looks so daunting, every choice is not an alternative. It has gotten to the point when i cannot take another step further into the matter. Yet from past experience i know this would not be a wise decision to make. I will end up hurting both myself and him.
As i am writing i am suddenly feeling much better. I suddenly understand what you had meant by perspective. I do not know if what you had said should prescribe to matters of the heart, but as soon as i saw the words "let go", cheery images had vividly rushed into my mind. I have done my utmost, i have tried so hard it almost hurts me to smile again. And even if i could reverse time, he is still too dear to me.
Through all this agony all i really wanted was to find a solution to alleviate the hurt. Perhaps this is one instance where it would be best, to allow emotions to fade, and rest.

Thank you so much
Mary

"Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know"

When is it time to let go? (1)

2004-11-23T12:45:00.000+08:00

When you know you have done all that you can. When you look back and you think, nothing more could have been done to make it better. When you realise that, given a time machine, you cannot, without the foresight of what has already happened, change any choice you had made.

It will be worthwhile to stop just for a little second, be it in the bus, in the lift, 5 minutes before going to bed; that moment could be all we need to regain perspective of our lives. It is hard to imagine, with the overwhelming sense of failure that is felt, that this is all but a minute fraction of what we could actually achieve in our lives. Should we let ourselves be daunted because of one failure(or even, multiple)? On foresight, are we going to further let ourselves down by not picking ourselves up at this moment? Is this one failure, a good reflection of what we really are? It seems like it would be, if we allow it to do so.

Reply from Nowhere

2004-11-18T18:04:00.000+08:00

Dear Mary,

I do not know you had been feeling this way, i mean, i guess deep down i did, but i just couldn't help myself. The day i confront this issue head-on would be the day that our relationship may change forever. But are we ready for such a change? Do you not acknowledge the presence of that tension we have between us, this thin layer of shelter we both use to disguise any emotions we deem unfit to reveal? It is not just me who cannot bear to behave as i want to. You too, purport to only react to my every move, showering upon me affection and attention, never showing me how different you can be, or would you be naturally like this?
Do i have this liberty to make a choice, a choice i do not wish to regret? Am i ready for whatever may come? What is this relationship? What would it unfold into? A relationship without an official name shall always be a relationship which involves much second-guessing, unspoken expectations, tension, self-doubt, anticipation, but ultimately resignation. Yet are we willing to risk all that we hold now for something(i dare not even say that word), so...uncertain?

Confused, John

Commitment

2004-11-18T09:51:00.000+08:00

Commitment.
That foul word.
Filled with hidden passages
Overloaded with dank water
Empowered with stale stench
Frightens the living hell
Out of the rodents
Scampering, to and fro
To and fro
In and out
In exasperation
Desperation
To seek solace,
Comfort,
Sympathy,
Peace of mind.
In the barred cell
The dusty floor
The overpowering darkness.

161002 2302

......

2004-11-18T09:38:00.000+08:00

Jermaine

2004-11-17T21:30:00.000+08:00

Strolling throught the misty streets.
Fogs rolling, lights dim.
Noise reverberates.
All but Emptiness
Is shut out.
Or is it the other way
Around?
A face forms.
Through the lonely fogs.
A face to remember.
The colours form
The life vibrates
The mist clears
The lights shine
Music fills the humdrums.
Purr,
Face disintegrates.
Mixed well into the surroundings.
The colours stay.
A rainbow begins to form.
Music gets too loud to hear.
Knocks one's senses off balance.

Falling in love with a Stranger.